How I Overcame Relapse From My Eating Disorder
Recovering from an eating disorder is rarely linear. It’s a long and grueling process that requires commitment and endurance. Having a strong support system is a huge plus as well. At times, your ability to progress might feel limited. You may become exhausted from all of your efforts, and temporarily regress. While this is obviously not ideal, it is extremely common. And if it happens to you, it’s no reason to give up.
A few years after my recovery, I relapsed and reverted back to some of my disordered behaviors. If you feel that you’re in a place of regression right now, I hope this post will give you the encouragement you need to keep pushing forward. My relapse was attributed to very clear triggers, but that’s not always the case. Some people may experience this for no known reason. It may help if you can pinpoint the underlying cause, but the important part is that you’re equipped with the tools to hop back on the horse. Here are some reasons I relapsed, and how I overcame to continue on the path to total recovery.
In 2014, my dad suddenly passed away due to cardiac arrest. Needless to say, at the age of 20, this rocked my world. I was in my sophomore year of college, and had been considered recovered from anorexia for about 2 years. I had achieved my goal weight, was enjoying life again, pursuing my degree in dietetics, and was overall in a great place. Then, the unthinkable happened and brought all of that to a screeching halt. At first, I didn’t use restriction to cope. Actually, I didn’t rely on this coping mechanism until about a year later. For those of you that haven’t lost someone close to you before, the mourning process is loooong and slow. For some, it can even take a few months for the reality to set in that your loved one is really gone. This was kind of the case for me, which is why I think my reaction to it all was so delayed. Regardless, I resorted to those old, disordered behaviors for comfort.
Although you never really “get over” the death of a loved one, you eventually begin to experience happiness again. Things never go back to “normal”, but you find a “new normal” in time. You realize your life isn’t over, and there are still tons of things to live for. You overcome the crippling pain of raw grief and carry on. Don’t get me wrong, there are still times (6 years later) that I still can’t believe I’ll never see my dad walk this Earth again. Some days are just straight up shitty and the feeling is suffocating. But I’m an overall happy person and I believe my dad would be proud of who I’ve become.
Not long after losing my dad, I had the busiest and most exciting year of my life. I became engaged in May of 2015 while backpacking across Europe with my now husband. I was about to start my senior year of college, worked 2 jobs, volunteered regularly at a children’s hospital, was planning a wedding, studying for the GRE, and preparing for a move across the country for my husbands job. I was returning to that “new normal” I mentioned above. I was finding happiness and fulfillment in my life again. But that lingering feeling of despair and grief loomed over my head. And I was continuing to deal with it in all the wrong ways. I knew my dad would want me to freely and fully enjoy this time of my life. He saw me recover the first time, and had been so supportive. He encouraged me through recovery and was so proud of my progress. The fact that I was slipping made me feel incredibly guilty, like I was letting him down. I came to the conclusion that I was going to do what my dad would want for me. What I wanted for myself. What my future self would thank me for doing. And I stopped my relapse before it got out of control. I didn’t want to return to the dark place of self hate and restriction, so I made a U-turn on that familiar path and headed back towards recovery. Here’s how I did it.
I made a list of all the things I love about myself, and why I’m worthy of health and happiness. My list is different than yours, but a few things included were: my calling to become a dietitian and help others who struggle with something similar. How was I to do that if I were still struggling myself? Another reason I’m worth recovery is because of all the hard work and dedication I had put towards finding health and happiness again. I had come too far to turn around and go back to where I started. Think about what you would put on your list. What are some of those things?
I made a list of all the things I get to enjoy as a part of recovery. These are things that would be taken away if you were to continue engaging in disordered thoughts and behaviors. For example: traveling, date night, family dinners, spontaneous adventures, etc. Speaking from experience, life isn’t that fun when you’re not eating and drained of energy.
I discontinued my previous workout routine and only did what felt right to my body. I’ve been a runner for over 10 years. I love running, but during this time, it didn’t feel right. Since then, I’ve given myself the grace to move my body in ways that feel good to me. Sometimes that means running, sometimes it means walking. Other times it’s going for a bike ride, and still others, it might mean a really tough gym session. The point is, I began listening to my body and loving it in a way I never had before.
I started being more open about my recovery and struggles. Up until this point, I was embarrassed about what I had been through. I felt awkward putting my issues on my fiancé, my friends, and even my mom. I know these people have always been there for me and would lend an ear at the drop of a hat, but it was me who was the closed off one. But after losing my dad, I decided that the healthiest and most efficient way to work through something is to talk about it. Being able to lean on these people when I was having an off day felt like a weight lifted off my chest. It ultimately helped me hop back on the horse and continue towards recovery. A strong and reliable support system is absolutely key.
It’s important to give yourself grace throughout your journey, no matter what chapter you’re in. Even to this day, I occasionally experience self doubt, food guilt, poor body image, etc. I’m human. We can’t expect to have only good days. Even in recovery and freedom, there will be obstacles. The important thing is that you’re equipped to deal with the those days. It’s key to have people and coping mechanisms you can turn to, not your disorder. Your disorder will never be the answer. Although it can feel like going home, or like a security blanket during uncertain times, it’s not. It only wants to hurt you. And it will if you let it. Detect those feelings of relapse early on and be proactive. Look back at how far you’ve come on this journey and find the will to carry on.