Answering More Questions About My Eating Disorder
Trigger Warning (this post gets pretty personal about my experience with anorexia. I don’t mention numbers or weight, but some of the content could be triggering to those in fragile stages of recovery).
Hey there! Here are a few more questions I received from my previous blog post (which can be found here). I wasn’t able to get to them all in that post, and I had so much fun answering them, so I decided to go for round two. Please let me know if you enjoy this type of content and what you’d like me to write about in the future by leaving a comment down below. Thanks for being here!
“What can I say to my significant other who gets frustrated with my body image issues?” Be patient with them, just as they should be with you. While I was going through my battle with anorexia, my boyfriend (now husband) was just 16. It was really tough for him to watch me become sicker and sicker by the day. He was much too young to be preoccupied by my illness. He should’ve been out doing normal teenage things, but he chose to stick by my side. We did break up temporarily because focusing on recovery and an unhealthy relationship was a lot to handle. We decided that some space would be the best way for me to focus on my health, both physically and mentally. Fortunately, by the time we were reunited, I had the physical part of recovery down…. just not quite the mental part. That’s where the real battle began, and it lasted for years. He stood by and witnessed my mental torment over an old pair of pants no longer fitting, when I so desperately wanted to enjoy movie popcorn with him but just couldn’t bring myself to do it, when I would obsessively check nutrition labels and make sure I was eating the “correct” number of calories. He let me feel my emotions. He let me go through all of these things, because they’re important parts of the journey. He was patient, kind, and very rarely got angry when I was experiencing these things. He’s not a mental health professional, so he was never quite sure what to say… but just by sticking it out with me and loving me through it, he has been my biggest supporter. I hope that your significant other (and anyone in your life, for that matter) can give you the same love and respect, because it’s essential for recovery.
“How did you accept/continue with recovery?” There were certainly times throughout my recovery process that I wanted to throw in the towel. I’ll be completely honest, it’s hard. You have to keep in mind why you started the recovery process in the first place. You apparently felt compelled to recover for a reason. There must be some rationale as to why you thought regaining your health would be worth it. So, what was that reason? I had a few reasons: I wanted to enjoy the remainder of my youth without feeling like I was trapped in a cage, I wanted to travel and have the freedom to try new foods and explore different cultures, I wanted to go attend social events and feel like I was fully present, I wanted to be able to run again without it being an immediate threat to my wellbeing, and last but not least, I wanted to be able to help others who were going through a similar thing. Choose a strong enough “why” and keep going back to it when you find yourself in a plateau.
Considering your other options is another pretty effective way to find the courage to continue on the path to recovery. If you choose to get off the path to recovery, where else can you go? The only other path I know of that isn’t recovery is back to your disorder. Keep in mind that there are only 2 options, recovery or disorder.
“Do you ever miss your disorder?” When I first read this question I was genuinely confused. But I kept thinking about it and I think I finally know how to answer it.
I don’t miss my eating disorder itself in any capacity. It was an incredibly dark time for me and I would never want to go back and experience anything like it again. It’s a feeling of helplessness and loneliness. A feeling of “this is the end for me because I don’t see a way out”, but also “I’m so young, I’m not about to let this disorder steal my life”. However, I do understand how someone could miss the illusion of comfort their disorder brought them. In the depths of my eating disorder, it felt like restriction was the only thing I had control over in my entire life. So in a way, it brought me “comfort”. Little did I know, this was a short term strategy to cope with anxiety and uncertainty. It was like putting a bandaid on a shark bite. So initially (in the very early stages of recovery), I did miss it because it was my security blanket. But the further and further I got from it, the more I realized that the solution was never starvation…. so I began missing it less and less.
“What were some of the physical side effects (besides weight loss) that you experienced while battling your ED and during the recovery process?” That’s a great question, because it allows me to elaborate on why properly fueling your body is NOT JUST ABOUT WEIGHT. There are so many ways in which our bodies are effected by what we eat (or what we don’t eat) that have nothing to do with weight. I’ll explain with a few personal examples.
When I was severely restricting and withholding essential nutrients from my body, I experienced pretty bad hair loss. This was mainly due to the lack of protein in my diet. And as a result of an extremely low caloric intake, I was deficient in Vitamins A, B, and iron. All of which contribute to the health of your hair.
I was constantly tired due to a shortage of energy provided from food. I was sleeping a lot during this time because it was the only thing that brought relief to my fatigue. Nutrients like carbohydrates, Vitamins D, B12, iron, and magnesium all contribute to combatting fatigue. Because I was eating very scarcely, these nutrients were all lacking as well.
Gassiness. Yep, I farted a lot while I was anorexic. I also had stomach aches nearly every day. You’ve heard of how fiber (from foods like fruits and vegetables) helps regulate bowel movements and add bulk to your stool, right? Well it also produces small amounts of gas (which is fine when consumed in normal amounts). The problem lays within the fact that I was pretty much only eating fiber. And therefore, creating a lot of gas.
Along with weight loss due to starvation comes muscle atrophy. Our entire digestive tract is made up of different muscles, so they’re in danger as well. When we lack muscle mass in our stomach and intestines, we have a tough time digesting food properly, which results in stomach aches and all kinds of other abdominal issues. It’s painful, embarrassing, and a surprising side effect of restriction.
As always, it’s important to keep in mind that the above information is based on my personal experience with disordered eating and anorexia. It is in no way meant to prescribe or diagnose. If you feel that you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, it’s best to get in touch with a professional that can provide individualized help. Thanks again for reading and I hope you have a great day!