5 Things My Eating Disorder Took From Me (Moments I Can't Get Back)
“Little Memories”. Sometimes, the little things in life are what mean the most. That’s how I think of “little memories”. They can happen on any given day, at any time, unexpectedly. They’re not planned and they might not mean much to you in the moment. But looking back, it’s those little moments that make life so special and worth living. There are countless examples of how my ED took what would have been “little memories” away from me. I decided to make a list, because I believe that recognizing and learning from past mistakes helps keep you from ever making them again. Although somewhat painful, making this list has been therapeutic for me in a way. If you struggle with any sort of disordered eating, or anything else that has you mentally hung up, I want to encourage you to make a list like this, too.
One Tuesday, not long before my dad passed, he randomly invited me on an ice cream date with him. It was a beautiful spring night and we had the evening free. I turned him down. Not because this didn’t sound fun or because I didn’t want ice cream…. but because my eating disorder said I couldn’t. Unexpected and unaccounted for food were giant struggles for me. Even an extra bite of fruit I hadn’t planned on would have been enough to send me spiraling. It’s weird, too, because I knew I would regret this somehow. I knew it was my eating disorder making decisions for me, but for some reason, I couldn’t stand up to it. Now that he’s gone, I would give anything to enjoy an ice cream with him… even if on a random, unexpected Tuesday.
It was a couple weeks before Christmas when my boyfriend (now husband) and I were 17, he planned a surprise for me. He had tickets to a local holiday light show that he knew I would enjoy. Sounds harmless, right? Wrong. My eating disorder was not about to let me have a night off. On the way to the show, we decided to swing through Arby’s for a quick dinner. Although I was feeling confident in my ability to find something on the menu, I had a complete and utter breakdown once we got there. Long story short, I took my “hanger” and frustration out on Tyler. This resulted in a huge fight, ruining the night. We never made it to the surprise.
In the summer of 2010 I attended summer camp with my friends. From what I heard, the food was amazing. I wouldn’t know, because I didn’t eat it. For 7 days I lived on whatever raw vegetable I could find at meal times. My friends knew what was going on, but no-one knew how to approach the situation. I felt like I wasn’t really there. I was an outsider looking in on all the fun my friends were having. My eating disorder made me feel trapped and extremely homesick that week. I couldn’t wait to get back to my own food, my treadmill, and my scale.
Christmas Eve of 2011 was when I missed out on dinner with my family so I could go for a run instead. It was pitch black and freezing cold outside, so my grandpa insisted on following behind me in his car to make sure I was safe (and yes I’m aware of how amazing he is). Reflecting on this specific instance particularly bothers me because I didn’t only take away from my holiday… I took away from his, too. It might not have seemed like such a big deal to him, because he lives to help other people, but it was a selfish move on my part that I still think about 10 years later. I don’t think of myself as a selfish person, but when you’re constantly putting your body in survival mode, being selfish comes pretty naturally.
Sleepovers with friends are fun because everyone just sits around chatting, eating snacks, and enjoys being a teenager. Not me (lol). I hated get-togethers because it meant a night of avoiding fear foods and making up excuses as to why I wasn’t eating. I loved my friends and it had nothing to do with them, but my eating disorder made it really tough to enjoy random and laid back hangouts. My personality was different in these atmospheres, too. I was so hungry and weak that I wasn’t my usual, outgoing, goofy self that all my friends knew me to be.
Although I could go on and on about the things my eating disorder stole from me, I’ll hand this off to you. What are some things that you’ll never get back from your diet mindset? What has restrictive eating taken away from you? What will it continue to take if you don’t make a change? Are you willing to let that happen or will you take a stand against it?
Finding food freedom and intuitive eating is accessible to everyone. If you need a little help, consider taking my 10-week, self-paced, online intuitive eating course by clicking here.